


The Heart was Made to be Broken

by Macca



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 13:01:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6154591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macca/pseuds/Macca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis stands up suddenly and takes three steps towards Nick, tripping slightly on the too long legs of his pyjamas. Nick can’t help the bubble of fondness in his chest and it makes the anger quieten into something scared because he’s just gotten Louis back and he doesn’t want to lose him again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart was Made to be Broken

Louis’s sitting at the kitchen table when Nick gets back from work. He’s let Pig out; Nick can see her in the garden running in circles as she chases something. Louis hadn’t been home when Nick had gotten up to go to work but he looks like he’s been to bed between then and now, Nick’s worn grey t-shirt hanging loose over his collarbones, bare toes tucked into the too long hems of Nick’s pyjama pants. The picture he makes is so familiar and at the same time so unexpected that Nick falters for a second in the doorway, Waitrose bag dangling loosely from his left hand. 

“Hey,” Louis says, voice gravelly and eyes glancing up only briefly from where they’re fixed on the cup of tea in front of him. 

“Hey,” Nick replies, moving to set his bag down on the counter. He turns back and Louis’s still staring at his cup of tea and Nick’s not doing this again. 

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he says and Louis glances up quickly at him again, clearing his throat but not saying anything. It makes that nervous twist in Nick’s stomach start to sour into anger and he shakes his head, something that sounds like a bitter laugh escaping from his mouth.

“We said we weren’t gonna do this again Lou,” he leans back against the counter, hands shoved into his pockets to hide how they’re starting to shake. “Remember? We sat right there and said we wanted this and that we were gonna stop being stupid about it and stop running away from it”. 

And hadn’t that been a fun conversation. It was like pulling teeth sometimes to get Louis to admit how he felt and Nick wasn’t much better. It was why they’d broken up in the first place, the two of them too scared to admit how deep into it they’d fallen, both too worried about keeping up some stupid appearance of being unaffected to actually talk to each other properly. It had taken three months of them being miserable apart from each other for them to finally admit they wanted to be serious and even that had only happened with Harry pushing the two of them together. It had finally ended with them sat at Nick’s kitchen table actually talking about how they’d almost fucked this thing up and promising that they were going to talk to each other from now on so they could stop being scared apart and try being scared together.

“I’m not running away,” Louis says and he looks up at Nick properly this time, meeting his eyes for a long second. 

“Not yet,” Nick scoffs, “but I can see the signs.”

Louis stands up suddenly and takes three steps towards Nick, tripping slightly on the too long legs of his pyjamas. Nick can’t help the bubble of fondness in his chest and it makes the anger quieten into something scared because he’s just gotten Louis back and he doesn’t want to lose him again. 

Louis circles his hands around Nick’s wrists where they disappear into his pockets and shuffles his feet closer. “I’m not running away,” he says again, tilting his head to look up at Nick. “But there is something we need to talk about.” He huffs, his mouth twisting into a facsimile of a smile. “And it’s not something good and I fucked up and that’s why I’ve been hiding out for the past couple of days.” 

He trails his hands up Nick’s arms, reaching up to cup his jaw and brush his thumb across Nick’s cheek. 

“Should I be worried?” Nick tries to keep his voice light but his chest is starting to get tight and his hands are sweaty as he pulls them out of his pockets and circles them around Louis’s waist. 

Louis doesn’t say anything, just goes up on his tiptoes and kisses Nick sweetly, scratching his nails lightly at the back of his head. It’s the first time Louis’s kissed him in two days and Nick instinctively pulls him closer, wrapping his hands across the span of Louis’s back. 

After a minute Louis pulls back but stays on his tiptoes so he’s eye level with Nick. “Come sit down,” he breathes quietly before he drops back down onto his feet and Nick’s proper scared now. It’s in the way that Louis’s being so uncharacteristically quiet, gentle with Nick in a way he rarely is. It’s in the way Louis’s spine straightens slightly as he tugs on Nick’s wrist to drag him over to the couch and the way his face smoothes out into what Nick calls his game face; that blank, unaffected look he gets when he doesn’t want to do something but knows he has no choice. Nick has seen it directed at interviewers, at fans, at the boys’ management, but never at himself and his heart starts to pound loudly in the silence of his head.

“If you cheated on me you need to just tell me okay, enough of the theatrics,” he says shakily as he sits on the couch, Louis cross legged beside him. 

“Jesus Nick, I didn’t fucking cheat on you,” Louis makes an offended face at him and absurdly Nick feels a pang of relief. Louis’s not acting like he’s going to break up with him and if he hasn’t cheated on him what else could he have fucked up so badly. Surely they can get through anything else. “But thanks for the vote of confidence. Jesus.”

“Sorry,” Nick says sheepishly, “but I don’t know, do I? You haven’t talked to me in two days, you won’t meet my eyes for more than 30 seconds and you said you fucked up something, what was I supposed to think?”

Louis rubs his face with his right hand, taking a deep breath. 

“I…..,” he starts, before looking helplessly at Nick. “I’m sorry.”

“Jesus, Lou spit it out will you. You’re not breaking up with me and you haven’t cheated on me so what can be so bad?” Nick’s rambling, he knows he is but Louis looks scared in a way that Nick’s never seen him look before and Nick rambling into the silence is better than letting his imagination come up with elaborate stories of Louis having to go to jail or him having accidentally leaked that sex tape they drunkenly made last month. His brain has only had 5 minutes to freak out, he’s sure it can come up with at least 5 even more ridiculous scenarios if he allows himself even a minute more to think.

“Remember that girl I told you I hooked up with in LA while we were broken up?” Louis asks him without acknowledging what Nick’s said. It’s not what Nick was expecting him to start with and he fumbles for a few seconds, mind racing to catch up with the conversation. 

“Umm….yeah I think….yeah I remember,” he finally says. “The stylist?”

“Yeah, Briana,” Louis says making a sudden grab for Nick’s hand and threading their fingers together. He stares intently at their joined hands for a few seconds and it feels like the last minute before a storm, that calm silence that’s not really calm at all because you know that it’s going to be torn asunder in a matter of minutes. 

Louis squeezes his hand and then meets his eyes. “She’s pregnant,” he says quietly. “It’s mine.” 

Time doesn’t stop or slow down or any of those other things Nick’s read about happening in epic drama novels when someone drops a bombshell. The clock keeps ticking loudly on the mantelpiece, the muffled noise of traffic on the street is still there, the world keeps going about its business ignorant of the fact that with just one sentence, Louis has turned everything Nick had quietly been dreaming about for his future, for their future, on its head as easily and as quietly as a sandcastle getting knocked over by a wave. 

“Nick,” Louis sucks his bottom lip in between his teeth and squeezes his hand again. “Say something.”

Nick looks up at him, doesn’t know what his face is doing because all he can hear ringing in his head is “She’s pregnant,” and all he can think is how stupid he was to think it would work for him this time, would work out for them. 

“Fuck,” is what finally explodes out of him, “fuck”. 

Louis’s lip wobbles slightly. “Yeah, I know” he breathes as he ducks his head, fringe falling over his face and hiding his expression. 

Nick looks up and instinctively reaches out to brush back the hair covering Louis’s face, just like he’s done so many times before but he freezes half way there, his hand twitching abortively in mid-air before it thunks down on his knee. Louis follows the movement, eyes clouded in sadness for a moment as he meets Nick’s gaze before he schools his face back into that blank expression Nick’s beginning to hate. 

“What are you gonna – I mean – how are - ,” Nick finally gives up trying to put words around whatever he’s trying to ask and just stares helplessly. 

When Louis speaks his voice is as blank as his face and absurdly Nick feels, for a moment, like he’s interviewing Louis, getting the bland, rehearsed and pre-prepared image. It’s how Louis used to talk to him in the beginning, back when Nick first became friends with Harry; as if Nick was just one more hanger on who wasn’t worthy of a glimpse of the real Louis. It’s been so long since he’s seen it directed at him that it takes a minute before he recognises it. 

“She’s keeping the baby. She decided that as soon as she found out. So I need to decide what level of involvement I want to have, whether it’s just financial support or whether I want to be part of its life. I mean, it’s kind of exciting, in a way. And it doesn’t have to change anything really?” 

Nick slips his hand out of Louis’s and puts his head in his hands, dragging them roughly through his hair. “Jesus.”

Louis keeps talking, his hands twitching in his lap the only sign that he’s putting on some sort of a charade. “I mean, I’m in the States with the band a bit anyway so I can arrange visiting around that and – we have some time to get used to the idea before it comes – and – I mean it doesn’t really have to change anything.“

“Stop it,” Nick can’t listen to any more of this. 

“What?”

“You don’t get to do this with me. Okay? You don’t get to sit there and rattle off some press release at me like I’m just some randomer that’s not affected by this.” 

Louis averts his eyes, shuffling back a little on the couch to put some space between them, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“Of course this changes things. “ Nick rubs his eyes tiredly. “You’re having a child. On the other side of the fucking world. You’re gonna be a Dad - Jesus,” he says voice breaking, “you’re gonna be a fucking Dad.” 

“Nick,” Louis voice breaks around the world and Nick shakes his head without looking at him. 

“I have to go, I can’t –,“ he chances a look at Louis and immediately wishes he hadn’t. His face is pale and his eyes aren’t trying to hide anything now; it’s all there for Nick to see and it’s breaking his fucking heart. 

“I’m gonna take Pig for a walk.” He knows he’s the one running away now but he thinks he deserves to; he feels like he’s going to be sick if he doesn’t get out of there; if he doesn’t get away from Louis.

Louis doesn’t say anything as he watches Nick gather up Pig and her lead and it’s only as Nick is grabbing his jacket that he clears his throat. 

“When will you be back?” he asks and Nick’s never heard his voice sound so small.

“I don’t know,” is all Nick can say and the soft nod of defeat that Louis gives only makes Nick feel even more broken. 

**********************

The flat is quiet when Nick lets himself back in. For a minute he thinks that Louis has gone but then he sees his phone left on the kitchen table. Pig snuffles around his feet, looking to be fed and the routine of filling her water bowl, putting out her food and watching her eat greedily gives Nick a minute of much needed normality. 

He finds Louis in bed, curled up on one side, back to the door. He’s not asleep but he doesn’t open his eyes as Nick comes in. Nick stands at the end of the bed for a minute and watches him. He’s so in love with this fucking boy he doesn’t know what to do with himself sometimes. It’s not something he ever expected to happen, it’s definitely not something he ever expected to happen with Louis yet here they are. He knows Louis loves him; even though he says it rarely enough and maybe that’s the hardest thing; being certain that they both love each other but knowing that it’s probably not going to be enough; knowing that Nick’s going to lose him. Because he’s heard Louis talk about his Dad and how he left; has seen how fiercely protective he is of his sisters, of his whole family so even if Louis hasn’t admitted it to himself yet, Nick knows that there is no way that he’s not going to want to be fully involved in his kid’s life. His kid in America. The unfairness of it all chokes him and he hears himself take in a wobbly breath as he turns away, getting ready for bed on auto pilot. 

Louis’s back is a rigid line as Nick slides into bed behind him, and Nick freezes for a minute before shuffling forward, tentatively resting his hand on Louis’s hip. As soon as his hand touches Louis skin he feels some of the tension seep out of him and Louis grabs his hand, linking it with his and pulling it up to rest over Louis’s chest, Nick slotting up against his back. Louis curls back into him and Nick brushes an absent kiss to his hair. 

“Sorry I left,” he says after a minute of listening to the two of them breathe into the quiet of the room.

Louis shrugs against him. “S’alright,” he says, “I would’ve done the same. Would probably have done worse to be honest.” 

Louis’s voice is hoarse and Nick can tell he’s been crying, although he knows that Louis would rather cut off his own finger than admit it. He closes his eyes, burying his face in Louis’s hair and pulling him back against his chest. Louis bends his knees slightly so that the backs of his feet fit up against Nick’s shins and Nick feels himself trying to hold on to the moment, trying to catalogue it all in his brain. The feeling of holding Louis in his arms, their hands slotted together; their arms resting against Louis’s belly up to his chest, Louis soft and pliant beside him for once. The smell of oranges that always seems to hang around him, tempered slightly by the scent of his cologne and the sweet apple smell of his shampoo. The way he curls up in bed so that his head fits under Nick’s chin, his legs up against Nick’s shins. And Nick tries to tell himself to stop; tries to stop counting down the minutes like they’re already on a timeline but he can’t help it. 

“What are we gonna do?” Louis says and Nick feels his fingers clench around his own. 

“I dunno babe,” he admits quietly and he hears his voice catch around the “babe”. He opens his eyes and bites his lip, swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Let’s just go to sleep okay? We can deal with it all in the morning.”

He feels Louis tense slightly in his arms, knows it’s because he’s only postponing the inevitable, refusing to deal with this tonight. He expects an argument but for once he doesn’t get one, just a quiet “okay” before Louis brings their joined hands up to his lips, dropping a kiss on Nick’s knuckles.

“You know I love you, right?” Louis says quietly into the dark and Nick’s heart clenches. He closes his eyes against the wave of sadness and longing that washes over him.

“I know,” he says brokenly a minute later.

Neither of them voice the question that should follow.

Is it enough?


End file.
